Fat Virgins
by Just Funning
Summary: Superman and Green Lantern are hanging out at the headquarters, reading their favorite comic Fat Virgins, which happens to be about the kind of guys who usually read about them. Kind of a role reversal kind of thing.


**These characters are owned by DC Comics, not myself.**

FAT VIRGINS

Superman was sitting alone in the Communications Center of the JLA headquarters. It was his turn to monitor the scanner, keeping an ear open for any situation that would require the aid of the world's greatest superheroes. Word on the street was that Lex Luthor and Harvey Dent had teamed up and were planning something huge. If so, they were still in the plotting stage because all was quiet tonight. Just petty stuff—robbery, simple assault, car theft, vandalism—that the local authorities could handle themselves. The Justice League couldn't do _everything_, after all; how would people ever learn to be self-sufficient otherwise?

Superman leaned back in his chair, his crimson cape draped over his legs like a blanket, and opened the latest issue of his favorite comic book, _Fat Virgins. _The comic detailed the exploits of three best friends in a small town—all obese, all obsessed with _Star Trek _and _Star Wars _to a degree that was somewhat unnatural, and none ever having known the touch of a woman. This was only the second issue by the new writer, Neil Moore. Moore had caused quite a controversy among long time fans of the book with his first issue, in which Larry, a forty-two year old who still lives with his mother and gives her foot massages every night while she watches old _Murder She Wrote_ episodes she taped years before, had had his famously long gray locks shorn. The new short-haired Larry was the source of great debate among comic book lovers everywhere. How would this alter his character? If he cut his hair, what might be next? Dying his hair? Going on a diet? Getting laid? A few alarmists predicted this might mean the death of the title.

Superman wasn't sure what he thought of this new development. It was certainly radical. When he'd first seen the panel that showed the scissors slicing through those stringy locks, Superman had actually gasped out loud. But was a radical change necessarily such a bad thing? After all, a comic book which never changed or took risks could become stale and predictable. In any case, Moore had certainly made his presence known right out of the gate. This wasn't your parents' _Fat Virgins_; Moore was taking it in a bold new direction. It actually made Superman eager to see what the writer would do next.

Superman was just getting engrossed in the story—Ryan was trying to save up enough money to buy a limited edition bust of Seven-of-Nine—when Green Lantern burst into the room, waving a glossy magazine above his head. "Have you heard the latest news?"

"What?"

"Well, according to reports from the set, Trevor will be driving an aqua-colored Pontiac."

Superman just frowned up at Green Lantern for a moment. "But Trevor drives a 1974 canary-yellow Volkswagen Beetle."

"Well, I know that and you know that," Green Lantern said, tossing the entertainment magazine to Superman, "but apparently someone needs to explain that to Quentin fuckin' Rodriguez."

Superman started reading the article Green Lantern had marked in the magazine. The comic world had become electrified three months prior by news that director Quentin Rodriguez was filming a movie adaptation of _Fat Virgins_. The only other time the comic had been brought to the screen was as a black-and-white television show in the '50s, but the show had made the three friends into comedic buffoons instead of the multi-dimensional characters from the comic. Hopes were high, however, for the film. Then came word that Rodriguez had cast a Hispanic actor to play Ryan, who everyone knew was African American. And now this change of Trevor's wheels. Didn't sound too promising.

"According to the article," Green Lantern said, hopping onto the countertop, "Rodriguez says he has some important scenes to shoot in Trevor's car, and the Beetle doesn't have enough room for the actors and the camera."

"Does the man have no respect for the source material?" Superman asked, still scanning the article.

"Get this shit," Green Lantern said. "On _Tomorrow's Entertainment_, Rodriguez admitted that he'd never even _read_ the comic before getting the gig to direct the film."

"Fuckin' Philistine," Superman said. As his eyes trailed down to the article's final paragraph, he nearly fell out of his chair. "Jesus! Did you read this plot twist where Larry develops a crush on the girl who works the ticket counter at the movie theater?"

Green Lantern let out a miserable sigh. "Yeah, but I'm trying to block it from my mind."

"Everyone knows that Larry isn't even interested in women. He says no woman could ever compare to the standard that was set by Princess Leia." Superman threw the magazine across the room where it slapped against the wall and slid into the wastebasket. "This is going to be a train wreck, you realize."

"On the bright side," Green Lantern said, jumping off the counter, "at least Larry will have his long hair in the movie. I can't believe the publishers let that hack Moore desecrate the character like that."

Superman nodded in sympathy. "I bet Stan Ellison is rolling in his grave." Ellison was the writer who created _Fat Virgins_ in the '20s. Superman owned two vintage Ellison issues that he kept sealed in plastic sleeves. They were worth a fortune, but he'd never dream of selling them.

"Oh, you know it, man," said Green Lantern. "There's nothing like classic _Fat Virgins_. That was a golden era."

"The best," Superman agreed. "Although Alan Lee's run in the late '80s/early '90s was pretty killer."

"Oh man, his extended twelve-issue arc where they go on that cross-country road trip to attend the mother of all _Star Trek_ conventions, that was priceless. I mean, they actually met Uhura and everything."

"Yeah," Superman said, opening his comic again. "But I'm gonna give Moore a chance. His work on _Slacker Teens_ was groundbreaking."

"Hey, is that the new issue? I haven't gotten it yet. How is it?"

"Don't know, haven't really had a chance to get into it."

"Mind if I read over your shoulder? I'm dying to find out what Larry's mom says about his new haircut."

"Be my guest."

Superman leaned back in his chair, Green Lantern squatting next to him, reading along. The scanner squawked static, and a distant voice announced a major fire in the downtown area.

Superman and Green Lantern stared at one another for a moment. "Let Wonder Woman get this one," Superman said, reaching over and turning down the scanner's volume. "What else has she got to do?"

The two superheroes settled back and resumed reading the latest issue of _Fat Virgins_.


End file.
